My heart is aching at the moment so do excuse me if I ramble.
I had a discussion with a loved one today that went horribly wrong and the reason it went wrong was the very reason I didn't want to have it in the first place. It is close to impossible for me to be open and vulnerable with this person and when I expressed these feelings (for the umpteenth time) they jumped down my throat further reinforcing my belief that expressing myself with them is just not safe.
We've been over this a thousand times, this person and I have. It hurts not to be able to talk to them but I am too afraid of what will be said. I feel bad, even guilty, because I know this person wants to have a closer relationship with me but I just can't do it ... not if everytime I open my mouth you're going to roll your eyes, look incredulous or question my sanity. I've got enough insecurities without someone exacerbating them for me.
At the same time, I wonder if I'm trying hard enough? Am I being selfish? Is there any reason why this person and I shouldn't be close? Lord, knows I love 'em but I just can't get past the fact that I can't really be myself around them. Seriously, if I so much as mention something that is not agreed with a nose will turn up or a face will be made like, "Are you serious?" WHO NEEDS THAT?
God, help me, I just don't know what to do.
I think maybe I'm just doing too much. I'm already in a pretty vulnerable place; unlearning everything I've ever been taught about God and allowing God Himself to teach me Who He really is. That alone can leave a person pretty raw and naked, figuratively speaking.
I'm emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained and all I want is peace of mind and in life. I rarely feel peaceful around this person. I'm always uncomfortable and it hurts me that I feel this way. I feel like such a horrible person ... like I'm not trying hard enough in our relationship. I should do better ... but I just can't. I don't trust them ... period.
God help me.
Monday, October 12, 2009
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That's a tough spot you're in Eb. Just keep your eyes on the Lord and He will help you through this. Just from what I can tell about you...He's brought you too far to leave you here like this now. Healing takes time. Trust your Father is at work in your situation and know that people are prayin' for you that you don't even realize are prayin'.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa, I really appreciate that! I really really do!
ReplyDeleteSometimes the people we feel the most unsafe with feel the same way with us.
ReplyDeleteFor whatever reason our relationships become what they are, it seems that we all look at them from our hurt point of view...and that seriously distorts our view.
That person you're having trouble with probably walks away from the same conversation, with their own set of "whats & whys".
The history of relationships plays an important part in their dynamics. But the future of those same relationships can only become different---when we do.
My prayer for you young woman, is that as you grow and become better, that person will begin to change in their reaction to you.
And hopefully, that person is growing and becoming better also, as it may change the way you respond to them as well.
Wow, Anonymous! Thank you very much for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it!
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