These Kicks I Rock

Permit me … my love
The freedom to
Just
Be
Me
Allow my thoughts
Respect my mind
Take
Back
This
Box
And let me do me
Because
Your feet
DON’T
FIT
In these kicks
I
ROCK
So let me be me
Or
Be
The he
Who
Is
Without pers-onali-ty
To cast the first lot
You see
Your feet
DON’T
FIT
In these kicks
I
ROCK
So let me be me
Or
Cast
Your
Lot

© 2010

JUST LIVE!!!!!

"Dear God,
Hi! How are things?
Uhm, I was wondering if You’d gotten the memo I sent You a while back about my life plans? This is totally not the life I had planned for myself and I thought that maybe You’d gotten a little busy and forgotten. Not to worry, of course. I totally get that You’re pretty busy! But, uhm yeah, if You could take a look at that memo and get back to me as soon as possibly I’d greatly appreciate it.
You’re the Best,
Ebony"


---------------------------------------------------------------------

It has been a while since I’ve blogged or written a note. I’ve been in a fairly constant reflective mode for several months and, until now, I haven’t had much to say as I’ve processed my latest self-discoveries. From the capacity to love to the inability to hate (no matter how tempting), I am seeing myself in an entirely different light and I’m kind of surprised by that. Why? Because, I thought that I’d be in a different place in my life by now.

Most of the plans I had for myself (i.e. graduate degree, career, husband, 2.5 kids, house and a dog by a certain age) have exceeded the “time limit.” I should be completely distraught. Or should I?

I listen to the concerns my friends have about the paths they’re on in their lives. I consider my own concerns about the path that I’m on. I think about the vision, cause and organization I am pouring my life into right now and the stronger woman I am becoming as a result. I take it all in and I realize that I’m content and I’m right where I need to be. Everything I’ve gone through up to this point has prepared me for this moment. I am being given the opportunity to decide what I’m going to do now. I’ve chosen to live in the moment by being content with the right now on the way to the future.

I am content because I trust that my life is unfolding just as it should. It took me a while to get to this place but now that I’m here, I don’t want to leave. It’s sweet, quiet and peaceful here. I haven’t abandoned responsibility or gone off the deep end, I just realize that my destiny is determined by how I respond to the challenges I face in life. Meeting each challenge with wisdom and faith in God helps me and keeps me going … on to the next challenge (because you know they don’t stop right?).

My hope for the people I know and love is that they, too, would be content. Don’t worry about what you don’t have and what you didn’t do. Face today’s challenges with wisdom and faith so that you can be better equipped for the challenges of tomorrow. You are exactly who you need to be and you can still work on who you want to be without obsessing over why you’re not there yet.

So, throw away your memo to God regarding your plans for your life and just live!





© E.G. Pollard 2010

Character

A person's true character reveals itself under pressure and that is who they really are. As for me, I pray that my character will always reveal the compassion in my heart regardless of how fierce the pressure or opposition may be. Lord knows that is my heart's sincerest prayer.

Rules, Regulations, Shackles OH MY!

I think that maybe I've gone from one extreme to the other.  I used to care entirely too much what others thought of every single thing I did, searching for approval in the heart of any soul who would offer it.  Now, I don't give a rip about what anyone thinks.  Yet, I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm out of balance.  Or am I?  I don't know.

The thing is ... every time someone tries to give me advice on being a Christian or tell me what a real Christian looks like, I immediately shut down.  I imagine I'm Charlie Brown sitting in a class listening to Ma'am go "wah wah wah wah!"  I just don't want to hear it.

But, today a very intimidating thought occurred to me: when I graduate with my Bachelor's in Theology I will technically be a minister, a licensed minister.  Me being in ministry on some level comes as no surprise.  It's something that has been foreseen by myself and others since I was a child.  So, in actuality, that is not the issue. 

The issue is this (how do I put this delicately?); I don't want to be to be a part of the kind of ministry I grew up on.  I don't want to be the kind of minister I grew up listening to.  Please understand me when I write that I am in no way, shape, form or fashion implying that I am more enlightened than those who have taught me.  I am saying that the humanly flawed but mostly well-meaning teachings and guidance of church leaders from my past confused me to the point that I considered walking away from God altogether.  But, before I took one step, I had a divinely inspired revelation: God is not people!  No matter how well-meaning people are, they are not the final word.  God is!

I just get so tired of all the corny Christian catch-phrases, the people who are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good and the twisted and preachy sermons that remind me more of fire and brimstone than love and grace.  I have had it with books, sermons, teachings, etc. that seem to stroke egos than teach true intimacy and relationship with God.   

I don't want to be that kind of minister.  Ministers like that make me throw up in my mouth a little bit.  Seriously.

So, what triggered these thoughts?

Recently, someone told me that when in ministry, I'm going to have to cover up my tattoo(s) because some people have issues with tattoos. I laughed and said, "Doubt it!" Nevermind, that the tattoo on my wrist is of my favorite Scripture in the Bible, if something as insignificant as a tattoo can deter you from your relationship with God then you've got bigger problems than me and the inscription on my left wrist, honey!

And, its really not about the tattoo.  Its about the fact that the current generation really isn't trying to hear all of the "religious theatrics" that I grew up on.  This generation is one that is lost and desperately seeking relationship not twelve keys to becoming better at masking their issues, five steps to figuring out why their "God in a Box" isn't working for them or eleventy-umpteen principles to apply to their lives so that God will love them more.  All that does is breed guilt and even contempt (or maybe I'm just speaking for myself on that one?).

A relationship with God is not about rules and regulations.  Its about exactly what it is ... relationship.  Sure, one's belief in God should be evident but keep the sermons that do nothing but make me feel inadequate and give me the guidance I need to make God's presence in my life evident because of the intimacy and closeness that I share with Him!  I can do without all the extras and add-ons.

So, forgive me if my "behavior" illustrates a certain disdain for anything that resembles the "extras and add-ons minus the intimacy!"  I'm sorry if I throw up in my mouth a little bit when someone starts shooting off at the mouth about stuff that is completely contradictory to the nature of God.  I'm just fed up.  I mean no harm but you are free to miss me with that foolishness.  I've had enough.  And no ... I don't care what you think about that.

*shrugs*

All Better Now ...

In my previous entry I was pretty upset.  I've calmed down considerably and am choosing to take something positive away from the situation.  That being said, what I have learned today is this: Growth is a process best left unmolested. In other words, take it one day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were you. There will be highs and lows, good and bad. But, what matters the most is who you become when its all said and done. Be better, do better. Period.

How'd I get all of that from what happened earlier today?  Well, I see it like this: We all grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically at different paces.  I can't allow a disagreement to stunt my growth.  Yeah it hurt but I'm going to use it as "fertilizer" to assist in my growth process, if you will.

I'm taking things one day at a time and I'm not taking today's crap with me into tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

No Good Deed

I think that the person who coined the phrase "no good deed goes unpunished" was probably self-seeking in their good-deeding. To me, the phrase implies that the good you do for others will inevitably go unnoticed or unappreciated and have a negative effect (punishment) on you and your emotions.  Well, that just doesn't make much sense to me.

Don't get me wrong! In the past, there have been times when I've done good things for others and was offended or hurt when my goodness wasn't reciprocated or met with gratitude.  One day I had to ask myself why my feelings were getting hurt so often behind doing good for others. I realized that goodness with strings attached wasn't really goodness at all.  I began striving to do good things for others without looking for anything, not so much as a thank you, in return.  And, ever since that attitude change, I've been a lot happier!

I am free to do good things for others simply because I want to show them some love and not to get some love in return.  And I believe that is how we all should be; secure enough to love others whether they love us back or not.

So, I hereby submit that the aforementioned phrase is a bunch of horse manooda!  Do good because you want to be good to someone, not to get good in return!  I believe you'll be a lot happier for it!

Thanks for listening.

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata

I'm listening to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata before bed and I'm thinking about how inspiring this classical piece is, inspite of its melancholy tone. 
As I listen to it I see, in my mind's eye, the human experience and the drive to continue moving forward inspite of the affliction of self.  The rise and fall of the music sounds, to me, a lot like the quest to not only survive but to live, as well.  Perhaps that's what Beethoven had in mind when he composed it? 
I love classical music.  Thanks for the inspiration Ludwig. So beautiful.

Past Relationships and Such

When I look back at my past romantic relationships and how unfulfilling they were, I have to laugh and question my sanity.  There were times when I thought I was head over heels in love and there were times where I was just hanging on for the sake of not failing at relationship, knowing full well that it was over before it even began.  Sometimes, the problem was him.  Other times the problem was me.  But, most of the time the problem was us both.

And so I'm single again and, for the first time, I find myself feeling really good and secure about my status.  Sure, I want to meet a nice guy and start something meaningful and long-term, but I'm in no rush.  When I rush, I always end up with a guy who should come with a label that says, "WARNING: IDIOT!  DATE AT YOUR OWN STUPID RISK!"  Ha ha ha.

Seriously though ...

When I look at the things I've been through with men who didn't love or respect me, I have to say that I brought those things on myself to an extent.  I brought it on myself by not having and sticking to a standard for my life.  I brought it on myself by compromising for the sake of being held by someone to soothe a throbbing void.  I brought it on myself because I had a seemingly insatiable need to please, a need that did nothing but get me used and discarded.

Oh, I'm over all of that.  I don't hold anything against anybody.  I'm just a lot wiser than when I first began.

Now, I think I'll wait.  I am content to wait for the right guy but I'm not going to sit around and wait on him.  I'm going to do what I need to do to better myself and whenever Love comes, it comes.  But, first, let me love me some Ebbie.  Its high time I did that after so long.

Thanks for "listening."

Religion Vs. Relationship [from a previous blog]

Several years ago I spoke at a small conference for young women. The title of my message was "Religion vs. Relationship: Does God Really Love Me?" I shared with those young women the value of possessing a strong and healthy relationship with God based on a heart that was truly thirsty for God and not religion or religious acts. From what I could tell, the message was well received. Still, I had no idea that the questions I was asking about religion then would come to a head and cause me to challenge everything I'd ever learned about God now.

I firmly believe in Jesus Christ and the sacrifice that He made on the cross for me and all of humanity. What I no longer believe in, however, is the grotesque portrait of the Christian Church that religion, dogma and doctrine has painted. Religion is the reason Christianity is such a joke. I'll have no part in that anymore ... and I'm deeply apologetic for the part I played in the past.

Religion is the reason Christians all over the globe bicker and complain about doctrinal differences instead of coming together to celebrate the Focus of their faith. Religion is what people do to make them feel that they've done their part to win the heart of God when Jesus Christ did all the "doing" for them. We don't have to "do" anything. We just have to "be." But, alas, religion has taught us that if we are not "doing" for God then the blood Christ shed for us was in vain where we are concerned. Religion recruits us then tosses us out into the world and tells us to go "spread the news about God" and " be good" and "do good." And even though we go out into the world and do what Religion told us to do, we are plagued with a sense that we aren't doing "enough."

Religion is a box constructed in the minds of men to capture and harnass the absolute power of God only letting Him out to perform magic tricks like a "good trained monkey" when they need Him.. Religion has nothing to do with a relationship with the Creator whatsoever. In fact the very motive behind it is impure.

Maybe this isn't you. Perhaps you've scored all of the answers. But, I know plenty of people whose hearts are singing the same song mine is singing right now. So, next time you go to church ask yourself why are you doing it? Are you really going to worship God or going because the practice is rooted deep within you and because you just should. When you pray are you doing it because you truly want to communicate with Him or because you should? When you do good deeds do you do them because your heart is truly filled with the love of God or because you should?

I'm not knocking church, praying or doing good. In fact, anyone who knows me knows that I love my church and the spirit of freedom that abounds there. I love to pray because I believe God truly understands me like no one else. I love to do good things and be a good person because I love people and I love to be an encouragement to others. I don't like for people to hurt or to be sad and if there is any way I can help them to smile, I will. But, what I am knocking is the religious motive behind doing these things if you're not doing them simply because you love God and not because you think He'll be displeased with you if you don't.

I was listening to the radio a few days ago and a pastor was talking about religion versus Christ. He said that religion was spelled 'D-O' because religion tells you have to "do" to please God. He also said that Christ is spelled 'done' because Christ already did it. We just have to "be."

Look, what I'm trying to say here is: Religion is not God. Religion is man-made. Man is flawed. You see my dilemma?

If you're offended, I can't apologize. Maybe you should check your motives. If you agree, that's good ... you are truly on a journey to the heart of God ... not religion. That's where I am ... I hope to take some more people with me. But, if not ... I am fully prepared to go it alone even though I won't really be "alone."

I've committed the rest of my life to knowing God for myself and NOT what religion has taught me to think about Him. I'm entrusting my entire heart to Him and trusting Him to teach me the things I didn't know before ... without feeling like I haven't learned enough or done enough to please Him. I'm committing myself to Him and only Him ... not to religion, not to the church ... to GOD. I choose to believe and have faith in HIS ability to lead me and help me to "un-learn" the business of church as usual. And, in doing so, I believe that I'm going to find the true essence and heart of what matters ... God. Nothing more, nothing less. Just God ... without all of the religious theatrics.

Thanks for listening.

Christian?

I recently made the following statement on a social network: "I think that if God thought like most Christians, we'd all be divinely screwed. Now, I (sort of) apologize if that offends you. However, once you get past your religious offense, I urge you to seek the deeper meaning behind the above statement and react accordingly. I'm just saying ... I'm convinced that God is not a Christian or a member of any other religious social club you can think of."

While it was honestly not my intention to do so, I was sure that the statement would cause a bit of controversy.  Still, I made it because I wanted people, especially Christians, to think about what I said and inwardly examine themselves.

When people encounter you, are you a near-accurate representation of Christ's love for the world (a living epistle) or are you a perverse imitation? Are you a love letter from Christ to the world or a death warrant walking?

Most Christians tend to think that their lives reflect that they walk with God because they attend church service regularly, don't drink, don't smoke, don't go clubbing, abstain from pre-marital sex and/or sexual perverseness, don't use profane language, etc.  But, what about your inward life?  Does that reflect your walk with God as well?

Are you judgmental, haughty, prideful, hateful, unkind, gossipy, self-centered, etc.?  The presence of any of these flaws in your life are evidence that you are, in fact, human and therefore prone to error like the rest of us.


The reason I say that "if God thought like most Christians, we'd all be divinely screwed," is because we truly would be.  Judgmental Christians send people to hell in their minds everyday ... just think if God was that merciless and unforgiving!

*shivers*

Now, I believe in the life, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ but, these days, I'm not so quick to say I'm a Christian because I don't want to be associated with the ridiculous picture of Christianity most Christians have painted for the world to see.  Still, for argument's sake, I suppose one would have to label me as such but I think I like the term "friend of God" better.

New Opportunity: Practicing What You Preach (Inquire Within)

Lately, I have made it a point to try to see people through God's eyes and treat them accordingly.  I hate to see people hurt, used or mistreated.  I've been there and I strive to not be on the "administering end" of hurt and mistreatment.

I feel so strongly about this, in fact, that I recently challenged a few people to pray for the ability to see people as God sees them and love them as God loves them and watch how much of a difference it makes in the way they relate to their family, friends, co-workers and random people they meet along the way.  And, just to drive my stake a little further into the ground, I changed my Facebook status to this: "Please be kind to someone today. They may need a random smile more than their next breath. It's not always about you."

And, I truly believed that but then ...

A stranger was rude to me as I was running into a department store for a small errand.  I was suddenly at odds with a family member over an issue that just would not seem to resolve itself like one of those spider bites that take exceptionally long to heal.  A co-workers unusual manner of expression struck a nerve.  And, suddenly, I found myself faced with having to practice what I've preached. 

Coincidence?  I think not.

So, what did I do?  Well, to be quite honest with you, I just gritted my teeth and challenged myself to be kind anyway.  I'm not perfect and it was not easy.  So, I prayed for God's strength because I couldn't do it alone and operating in my own strength was not getting the job done at all.

Something I have learned in being overly sensitive nearly all of my life is this; it is not always about me.  I was not the only person that was born with the capacity to feel.  Therefore, I'm not the only person on the face of this earth with the capacity to be hurt.  And because I know what it feels like to be hurt, I don't ever want to purposely bring emotional harm to anyone.

I make the choice to sow seeds of kindness.  I make the choice to be a loving human being.

The rude stranger, the difficult family member and the co-worker with a unique means of self-expression; all opportunities to practice what I've preached and cause the choice to be kind to evolve into a habit of being kind.

Believe me when I say that I'm not perfect and that there are days when I would like to say, "To hell with all this being nice to people!"  Still, being kind produces a far sweeter reward than not being kind.  In fact, the only "reward" for being unkind, that I know of, is a whole bunch of bitterness ... and who wants that?


Lord, please help me to exhibit kindness on a daily basis, even when I don't feel like it and would much rather rip someone's head off than flash a smile their way.  I'm not perfect but I don't have to be in order to walk in Your perfecting love and grace and I appreciate You for that.  Thanks for everything.
Love,
Me

Thorns in My Side

No matter the thorn, isn't it funny how the one that's in your side, starts digging even harder the moment you decide to rise above it and move forward, maybe even attempt to remove it? It’s not a coincidence.

So ... what'cha gonna do? Wallow in it or ... brush your shoulders off?

I'm not ashamed to admit that I have a few thorns in my life.

They prick.

I bleed.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that I have not "bled" to death by now. But, God has been good to me.

The more I try to get away from my thorns, the more they prick and the more I bleed. Still, it has always been worth it to fight.
If I didn't have the constant reminder of my fallible human frame, I would be complacent and content to just exist. I would not possess the drive to seek That which is grander than my being. I would bathe in mediocrity and wade in the pool of a life lived half-heartedly.

Who, in their right mind, wants to live like that?

These thorns, these wretched reminders of my filthy rags, push me to purpose, in a sense. The more I resist the urge to let them win, the better and stronger I become.

And, as long as I fight ... they don't win.


© 2009

It Took 29 Years to Feel Like THIS?

So ... this afternoon I was driving southbound on I-270 headed toward one of my favorite places, St. Louis Bread Company (aka Panera for you non-St. Louisans) when the sweetest thought occured to me.

It's a peaceful Sunday afternoon with nothing on the agenda, no one to see and nothing to do aside from a small errand that I must run for my mother.  I want to go to Bread Co. to have a quiet lunch with me, myself and I and possibly do a little blogging (which I'm doing right now) and I'm tempted to turn my cellphone off because I don't feel like being disturbed.  That's when it hit me ...
"I am happy.  I am free.  I really enjoy the company of me!"

Now, that might not be a big deal for some people.  Perhaps I'm the only person in the world that has ever loathed her being and questioned why she was here in the first place.  Maybe I'm the only one who ever considered taking herself out of her misery.  Maybe I'm the only one but, I doubt it. 

Growing up, I was subjected to people, whether they realized it or not, constantly trying to break my spirit.  I was "too talkative, too inquisitive, too energetic, too loud," etc.  Basically, I was "too me."

So, I began to try to alter my personality to be more like what people suggested I be.  This only frustrated me and made me mean and bitter and that was such a contradiction to who I truly am inside.  It wasn't until my mid-20's that I got tired of being so unhappy and decided to do something about it.  Now, at a "sublime twenty-nine" I finally get it and I FREAKIN' LOVE ME!!!!!

That thought was a big deal for me because it has taken me nearly 30 years to be this happy with myself.  In fact I'm freakin' ecstatic about being me.  I think I'm pretty fantastic and, more importantly, I looooove myself.  And, in loving myself, it has been easier to be loving to those who aren't so loving toward me.

When you're comfortable in your own skin there really isn't much anyone can do to make you uncomfortable with yourself and that's how it should be.


I ROCK!

My Twenties in Review

My twenty-ninth birthday has come and gone. It left in its wake the realization that this is my very last year as “a twenty-something.” I spent my birthday alone by choice so that I could enjoy the sweet solitude of my own company and, in that time alone, I did a little praying and reflecting. At the end of it all I came to one jarring conclusion: I will not miss my twenties once I’ve turned thirty.

While I appreciate and am grateful for the growth and lessons that have taken place in my tumultuous twenties, I am going to be so over it when this decade of my life is complete. I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way about their twenties because some of you have shared with me that you feel the same.

The twenties have been fun but they have also been painful. I “wilded out” like nobody’s business in my early twenties and I paid dearly for it too. Still, I have very few regrets because I do realize that a lot of who I was then has a great deal to do with who I am (and who I am not) now.

God has been so good (and merciful) to me, too. He rescued me from so many bad decisions and opened my eyes to the error of my ways so that I wouldn’t go those routes anymore. That thought alone brings a tsunami to my dark eyes. When I think of where I could have been had He not intervened on my behalf … Selah.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my twenties. I’m just not going to be broken up about them “exiting stage left.” One’s twenties are all about self-discovery and, no matter how you slice it, self-discovery is a bittersweet thing and it doesn’t usually get sweet until after the discovery.

At any rate, I welcome my twenty-ninth year with great anticipation. I plan to spend this, my last twenty-something year in a state of constant reflection. I will look back on all I’ve been through since August 2000, even read some of my old journals and writings over the years and I will take all that I have learned in my twenties into my thirties with joy and thanksgiving.

Looking back on it all, my life could have gone so many different ways but God (mercifully) saw fit to put me on a path that would eventually bring me to where I am now … content and a lot surer of myself than when I first began the “Twenties Trot.”

FiftyOneTen

“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and make me willing to obey you.” Psalm 51:10-12, NLT

The 51st Psalm began to resonate in my heart the night I realized that I didn’t love Jesus as much as I thought or had convinced myself that I did. There were still people, places and things that I hadn’t entirely given over to God and my relationship with Him was suffering because of it. I couldn’t even pray without being distracted by these issues … these things that had I given them over to and left in the hands of God, would have been water under the bridge, freeing me to live this life with faithful abandon.

I had always been familiar with the 51st Psalm but it took on a whole new meaning when I realized just how wretched I had been. I was guilty of going through the motions of religion and religious rituals and allowing them to replace that which was more important; a relationship with the Almighty.

King David knew and understood that what God really wanted was relationship. God wanted the heart behind the deeds.

“You do not desire sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”Psalm 51:16-17

Seeing this with my own eyes and understanding it with my own heart has been one of the sweetest revelations about the love of God that I have ever had. He loved me and desired a reciprocal relationship with me! Going through the motions of religion was meaningless to Him. The content of my heart held a lot more weight as far as He was concerned.

So, the 51st Psalm became the song of my heart. It became my deepest desire concerning my Heavenly Father. And for the rest of my days I will continue to pray this prayer of King David, a man after God’s own heart because I want nothing more than to be a woman after God’s own heart, a mirror image of Him and canvas upon which to create a divine masterpiece.

My 51st Psalm Prayer

Lord, fashion for me a new heart of which the contents are pleasing in Your sight. Don’t turn away from me, I couldn’t bear it. Please don’t take the sweet peace of your presence away from me. Help me to remain joyful in my walk and service to you, even when things get hard. I ask these things because I want to worship you with a clean, purified, overflowing, unhindered heart and faithful abandon. I don’t want anything to stand in the way of what is yours; a heart that is unequivocally YOURS. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

© 2009