These Kicks I Rock

Permit me … my love
The freedom to
Just
Be
Me
Allow my thoughts
Respect my mind
Take
Back
This
Box
And let me do me
Because
Your feet
DON’T
FIT
In these kicks
I
ROCK
So let me be me
Or
Be
The he
Who
Is
Without pers-onali-ty
To cast the first lot
You see
Your feet
DON’T
FIT
In these kicks
I
ROCK
So let me be me
Or
Cast
Your
Lot

© 2010

My Life is Yours

I live my life with the understanding that I don't live for my benefit alone.  Everything I go through and the lessons I learn as a result are for me to share with others.  Being cognizant of this helps me strive to live a life worth living.  I want to be all that God has created me to be, inspiring and empowering others to be the same.

When I Grow Up

Yesterday someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I responded with, "I want to be an example of strength and perserverance. I want to inspire and empower people. I want the people I encounter to be drawn closer to God because of the way I conduct my life." Man, I hope I'm on my way ... I can't wait to grow up if I get to be the person I just described. *smile*

Character

A person's true character reveals itself under pressure and that is who they really are. As for me, I pray that my character will always reveal the compassion in my heart regardless of how fierce the pressure or opposition may be. Lord knows that is my heart's sincerest prayer.

Not Exactly a Glass Slipper

I'm going to a ball in November and the color scheme is black, white and red.  That's right up my alley since red is my favorite color!  But you would not believe how hard it is to find a decent pair of show-stopping classic red pumps!  I literally spent the entire day searching for these shoes last Saturday.
I squealed in delight when I stumbled across the shoes you see in the picture.  So, imagine my dismay when I slipped my foot into the perfect shoes ... or attempted to, at least ... and they didn't quite fit.  I probably would have cried if there hadn't been so many people around

I didn't let this stop  me though.  I found the same shoe online and bought it in the right size very early Sunday morning.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. 
So, I have the shoes. I have the tickets and I have a dashing date to escort me to the ball.  I just need the perfect ensemble and accessories and I'll be ready.  I just hope that the ensemble and accessories don't prove to be as elusive as the darn shoes!  Then I might actually cry!

Thanks for listening!

Rules, Regulations, Shackles OH MY!

I think that maybe I've gone from one extreme to the other.  I used to care entirely too much what others thought of every single thing I did, searching for approval in the heart of any soul who would offer it.  Now, I don't give a rip about what anyone thinks.  Yet, I'm starting to think that perhaps I'm out of balance.  Or am I?  I don't know.

The thing is ... every time someone tries to give me advice on being a Christian or tell me what a real Christian looks like, I immediately shut down.  I imagine I'm Charlie Brown sitting in a class listening to Ma'am go "wah wah wah wah!"  I just don't want to hear it.

But, today a very intimidating thought occurred to me: when I graduate with my Bachelor's in Theology I will technically be a minister, a licensed minister.  Me being in ministry on some level comes as no surprise.  It's something that has been foreseen by myself and others since I was a child.  So, in actuality, that is not the issue. 

The issue is this (how do I put this delicately?); I don't want to be to be a part of the kind of ministry I grew up on.  I don't want to be the kind of minister I grew up listening to.  Please understand me when I write that I am in no way, shape, form or fashion implying that I am more enlightened than those who have taught me.  I am saying that the humanly flawed but mostly well-meaning teachings and guidance of church leaders from my past confused me to the point that I considered walking away from God altogether.  But, before I took one step, I had a divinely inspired revelation: God is not people!  No matter how well-meaning people are, they are not the final word.  God is!

I just get so tired of all the corny Christian catch-phrases, the people who are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good and the twisted and preachy sermons that remind me more of fire and brimstone than love and grace.  I have had it with books, sermons, teachings, etc. that seem to stroke egos than teach true intimacy and relationship with God.   

I don't want to be that kind of minister.  Ministers like that make me throw up in my mouth a little bit.  Seriously.

So, what triggered these thoughts?

Recently, someone told me that when in ministry, I'm going to have to cover up my tattoo(s) because some people have issues with tattoos. I laughed and said, "Doubt it!" Nevermind, that the tattoo on my wrist is of my favorite Scripture in the Bible, if something as insignificant as a tattoo can deter you from your relationship with God then you've got bigger problems than me and the inscription on my left wrist, honey!

And, its really not about the tattoo.  Its about the fact that the current generation really isn't trying to hear all of the "religious theatrics" that I grew up on.  This generation is one that is lost and desperately seeking relationship not twelve keys to becoming better at masking their issues, five steps to figuring out why their "God in a Box" isn't working for them or eleventy-umpteen principles to apply to their lives so that God will love them more.  All that does is breed guilt and even contempt (or maybe I'm just speaking for myself on that one?).

A relationship with God is not about rules and regulations.  Its about exactly what it is ... relationship.  Sure, one's belief in God should be evident but keep the sermons that do nothing but make me feel inadequate and give me the guidance I need to make God's presence in my life evident because of the intimacy and closeness that I share with Him!  I can do without all the extras and add-ons.

So, forgive me if my "behavior" illustrates a certain disdain for anything that resembles the "extras and add-ons minus the intimacy!"  I'm sorry if I throw up in my mouth a little bit when someone starts shooting off at the mouth about stuff that is completely contradictory to the nature of God.  I'm just fed up.  I mean no harm but you are free to miss me with that foolishness.  I've had enough.  And no ... I don't care what you think about that.

*shrugs*

All Better Now ...

In my previous entry I was pretty upset.  I've calmed down considerably and am choosing to take something positive away from the situation.  That being said, what I have learned today is this: Growth is a process best left unmolested. In other words, take it one day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were you. There will be highs and lows, good and bad. But, what matters the most is who you become when its all said and done. Be better, do better. Period.

How'd I get all of that from what happened earlier today?  Well, I see it like this: We all grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically at different paces.  I can't allow a disagreement to stunt my growth.  Yeah it hurt but I'm going to use it as "fertilizer" to assist in my growth process, if you will.

I'm taking things one day at a time and I'm not taking today's crap with me into tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

What's a Girl to Do?

My heart is aching at the moment so do excuse me if I ramble.

I had a discussion with a loved one today that went horribly wrong and the reason it went wrong was the very reason I didn't want to have it in the first place.  It is close to impossible for me to be open and vulnerable with this person and when I expressed these feelings (for the umpteenth time) they jumped down my throat further reinforcing my belief that expressing myself with them is just not safe.

We've been over this a thousand times, this person and I have.  It hurts not to be able to talk to them but I am too afraid of what will be said.  I feel bad, even guilty, because I know this person wants to have a closer relationship with me but I just can't do it ... not if everytime I open my mouth you're going to roll your eyes, look incredulous or question my sanity.  I've got enough insecurities without someone exacerbating them for me.

At the same time, I wonder if I'm trying hard enough?  Am I being selfish?  Is there any reason why this person and I shouldn't be close?  Lord, knows I love 'em but I just can't get past the fact that I can't really be myself around them.  Seriously, if I so much as mention something that is not agreed with a nose will turn up or a face will be made like, "Are you serious?"  WHO NEEDS THAT?

God, help me, I just don't know what to do.

I think maybe I'm just doing too much.  I'm already in a pretty vulnerable place; unlearning everything I've ever been taught about God and allowing God Himself to teach me Who He really is.  That alone can leave a person pretty raw and naked, figuratively speaking.

I'm emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained and all I want is peace of mind and in life.  I rarely feel peaceful around this person.  I'm always uncomfortable and it hurts me that I feel this way.  I feel like such a horrible person ... like I'm not trying hard enough in our relationship.  I should do better ... but I just can't.  I don't trust them ... period.

God help me.

AUNTIE'S FAVORITE GIRL

My beautiful niece! She's 'Auntie's Favorite Girl' and she knows it! Ha!

No Good Deed

I think that the person who coined the phrase "no good deed goes unpunished" was probably self-seeking in their good-deeding. To me, the phrase implies that the good you do for others will inevitably go unnoticed or unappreciated and have a negative effect (punishment) on you and your emotions.  Well, that just doesn't make much sense to me.

Don't get me wrong! In the past, there have been times when I've done good things for others and was offended or hurt when my goodness wasn't reciprocated or met with gratitude.  One day I had to ask myself why my feelings were getting hurt so often behind doing good for others. I realized that goodness with strings attached wasn't really goodness at all.  I began striving to do good things for others without looking for anything, not so much as a thank you, in return.  And, ever since that attitude change, I've been a lot happier!

I am free to do good things for others simply because I want to show them some love and not to get some love in return.  And I believe that is how we all should be; secure enough to love others whether they love us back or not.

So, I hereby submit that the aforementioned phrase is a bunch of horse manooda!  Do good because you want to be good to someone, not to get good in return!  I believe you'll be a lot happier for it!

Thanks for listening.

Past Relationships and Such

When I look back at my past romantic relationships and how unfulfilling they were, I have to laugh and question my sanity.  There were times when I thought I was head over heels in love and there were times where I was just hanging on for the sake of not failing at relationship, knowing full well that it was over before it even began.  Sometimes, the problem was him.  Other times the problem was me.  But, most of the time the problem was us both.

And so I'm single again and, for the first time, I find myself feeling really good and secure about my status.  Sure, I want to meet a nice guy and start something meaningful and long-term, but I'm in no rush.  When I rush, I always end up with a guy who should come with a label that says, "WARNING: IDIOT!  DATE AT YOUR OWN STUPID RISK!"  Ha ha ha.

Seriously though ...

When I look at the things I've been through with men who didn't love or respect me, I have to say that I brought those things on myself to an extent.  I brought it on myself by not having and sticking to a standard for my life.  I brought it on myself by compromising for the sake of being held by someone to soothe a throbbing void.  I brought it on myself because I had a seemingly insatiable need to please, a need that did nothing but get me used and discarded.

Oh, I'm over all of that.  I don't hold anything against anybody.  I'm just a lot wiser than when I first began.

Now, I think I'll wait.  I am content to wait for the right guy but I'm not going to sit around and wait on him.  I'm going to do what I need to do to better myself and whenever Love comes, it comes.  But, first, let me love me some Ebbie.  Its high time I did that after so long.

Thanks for "listening."